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Gabriel Iglesias



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Gabriel Iglesias

Racist Gift Basket, Part 1

So you guys, I wanted to find um...
a very special way to close out this event.
And I thought it'd be great if I could tell an old story that was from years ago that never made it to a one hour special.
And uh the cool part about this story is that it now has a different ending. (Laughter).
The story is called... '
The Gift Basket.' (Cheers) Some of you know it, some of you don't know it but after this you're never gonna forget it. (Laughter) All you have to know about this story is that all the people involved have always been and will continue to be friends.
With that being said, Martin and I.(Laughter) All the good ones start like that, '
Martin and I.' (Laughter) Are scheduled to perform in Northern California.
Usually, we fly, but this particular day I was having a problem with Southwest Airlines, they wanted me to pay for an extra seat for someone who wasn't traveling with me. (Laughter) Take your time you'll figure it out.
Anyway, I tell Martin I'm not paying for an extra seat let's just drive, it's 6 hours. (Car motor) So we headed North.
3 hours into the drive we're passing through a city called Fresno.
And as we're pass- Hey Fresno (Spanish) Anyway, as we're passing through Fresno we start seeing billboards off the side of the freeway that said: '
Performing this weekend, at the Radison Hotel, directly from B.
T's comic view and Showtime at the Apollo, comedian G.
Reilly.
And I look at Martin I say '
Oh shoot G's in town.' And Martin goes '
Yeah, I haven't seen G in years.' So we're like '
Let's stop by at the hotel and say hi.' So we pull into the parking lot. (Car motor and tires screeching) I tell Martin '
He doesn't know we're here, I'm gonna crank call his room.
He goes '
What are you gonna say?' I said, I'm gonna tell him that on the front desk, he just received a gift basket.
He said '
What's so funny about a gift basket?' I said (Laughs) '
I'm gonna describe it over the phone, and
I'm gonna make all the items that are in this imaginary basket become items that stereotypically, a black person might like.' (Laughter) '
Your crazy.' I said, '
I'll tell you what, we got 2 hours to kill, how about we go to the supermarket, and we make an actual racist gift basket?' (Laughter) '
And we'll have it delivered and we'll wait outside to see what happens.' I said, '
Are you down?' (Car doors slamming) (Car motor) We go to a store, and we start to design the sickest practical joke ever.
I get a shopping cart and I'm like, '
We need a basket.' So I find one, I take out the grass, the plastic eggs, and the chocolate rabbits.
And we start hitting the aisles.
First item I grab is a fried chicken about that big.
Okay?
See how quick that laugh was? (Laughter) (Fake laughs) There are a few black people in here like '
Muthafucka this better be funny!' (Laughter) It's hysterical, let me just finish the story then you can judge me in the parking lot.
So anyway, (Laughter) Then Martin hands me a miniature watermelon and I put it next to the fried chicken.
Here's where it gets interesting.
Employees of the store find out what we're doing and they start volunteering to help us finish the basket. (Laughter) Half of the employees were black which made it so much more accurate. (Laughter) Aisle after aisle, one guy was stocking a shelf, he was an older white guy, we're like '
Sir can you help us?' '
What do you need?' '
My buddy Martin and I are trying to make this messed up racist gift basket for our black friend as a practical joke, can you think of something we can put in there?' Without even blinking an eye the guy was like, '
Laughs, you gotta have Kool-Aid.' (Laughs) '
It's at the end of the aisle on the right, malt liquor's the next aisle over at the back of the store in the freezer section, it's on sale 2 for 1.' By the time we get to the register, all these different employees plus us came up with the basket that had fried chicken, watermelon, Kool-Aid, Grape soda, Barbeque potato chips, sunflower seeds, an Ebony magazine, a Chris Rock DVD called '
Bigger and Blacker,' Magnum condoms, Newport cigarettes, a rack of ribs, the recipe for cornbread.
It was getting bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger.
Icing on the cake, we find a greeting card that's on clearance from Holloween, and it has a picture with three ghosts on the cover wearing sheets. (Laughter) I tear off the half that says '
Happy Holloween' and on the back of the card I write '
Welcome to Fresno.
Love, The Chamber of Commerce.' (Laughter) And we stick it to the basket.
We made it all nice and pretty and we haul ass to the hotel. (Car motor) We pull up. (Tires screeching) (Car doors slam) We walk in.
The basket is hot as hell so I'm racing in.
I get inside and I put it on the counter as fast as I can bro.
It's too perfect, there's a black girl behind the front desk. (Laughter) As soon as I put the basket down I hear, '
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Sniff, Sniff, Sniff, Is that chicken?' (Laughter) '
Ohh let me see-' '
Hold on (Laughs)' '
What is it?' '
Let me explain my name is Gabriel, this is Martin, we're a couple comedians and we're about to play a really crazy practical joke on a friend of ours who's staying here tonight, by the name of G.
Reilly, who's also a comedian.' '
Oh the one that's on the signs on the freeway?' '
Yeah the one that's on the signs on the freeway, so as a practical joke we went to the store and made this messed up...
Racist gift basket that's why you can smell fried chicken.' And she was like, '
Whaaat?' (Laughter) '
You need Jesus that's what you need.' '
Kiki, girl you better hang up that phone you won't believe what I'm looking at over here girl.' (Laughter) '
Listen, we think it would be hysterical if we could have you deliver the basket for us.' She lost it. '
Oh the hell you didn't. '
I know you didn't just ask me to take that to a black man, you are out your damn mind, oooohhhh Lord, LOOORD!
Give me the strength, to not kill this big ass Mexican over here Lord.' '
MM-mm.' (Laughter) 'uh-uh.' '
Okay Look here Nacho Libre, I don't care who you are, I am not doing it hell no.' '
I'll give you $50.' '
Where that muthafucka at?' (Laughter) We follow her to the hotel
room, she knocks on the door.
Martin and I hide by the elevator on the floor.
She knocks (Knocks) G opens the door, sees a beautiful black woman standing there with a gift basket. '
This is for you baby.' He says thank you, closes the door.
She walks away and she sees us on the ground hiding right and she's like '
Ya'll still going to hell.' (Laughter) We get up and we walk over to the door and we put our ear '
LISTEN!' '
SSHH LISTEN!' This is what we hear inside: WOOAH!!
CHICKEN! (Laughter) '
OOHH KOOL-AID!!' '
MALT LIQUOR!' He's getting excited over every single item he's pulling out of the basket.
He gets to the greeting card, '
Welcome to Fresno.
Love, The Chamber of Commerce.
Hell yeah.' Then we feel him flipping the card over because his voice changed.
He's like '
Aw yeah man this is- WHAT THE FUCK?!' (Laughter) Outside the door we heard '
RACIST BASTARDS!!!' When we heard 'racist bastards' we lost it. '
AAAAAAAAHHHHHH.' Housekeeping is freaking out. (Spanish) We're laughing, we're crying, we got boogers coming out.
We can't take it anymore.
We knock on the door (Knock knock) He yells. '
WHO IS IT?!' Too easy, '
Chamber of Commerce.' (Laughter) He rushes the door.
I put my finger on the peephole so he can't see who it is right.
The knob start to jiggle then the door explodes open and he's like, '
WHAT?!?!' And he sees us and he's like '
AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!' '
What's up G?' '
Man ya'll give a brother a heart attack.' '
Did you like your basket?' '
Man that was messed up.' '
Did you like it?' '
Man, (sniffles) I love all that shit.' (Laughter)