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Tom Smith
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Neckbolt Love
I was created in a flash of lightning,
By someone who thought he was God,
He made me oversize from my neck to my thighs
Oh yeah, I've got a killer bod.
But since he gave me such good equipment
And since he gave me this mortal life,
The least he can do is to do what he do
One mo' time and give me a wife.
But he seems a little reluctant,
His arguments are too profound,
He's got all this angst, so I'll just give thanks
That his girlfriend is hangin' around.
I got a brain full of secret desires,
I got a heart full of feelings so sweet,
I got an armful of luscious unconscious brunette
And a cave right down the street.
I may grunt like I'm dumber than crabgrass,
But I can talk if push comes to shove,
And right now, today, all I got to say
Is get ready for some neckbolt love.
Well, at first she started to protest,
She screamed and she beat on my chest,
But when I jumped away, her eyes filled with dismay
And she tore off my wolfskin vest.
Her hands grabbed ahold o' my shoulders,
Her ankles went behind my knees,
And next thing I knew I'm on my back and she's doin'
A tonsil-osculectomy.
Whatever it was I expected,
Wasn't what I got, oh my.
I wanted 'prim and proper', but in bed I can't stop her
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And I'm not sure I should try
She got electricity chargin' my body,
She got thunder rattlin' 'round my brain,
She got me dazed, confused and maybe vaguely used
And I don't know if I should thank or complain
She got me inside out and upside down,
Sideways, below and above,
She got me wonderin' why I decided I
Should get me some neckbolt love.
Well, after two weeks I was exhausted,
And when I woke up, she was gone,
But she came back there with streaks in her hair
And a whole lotta bandages on.
My creator attempted a rescue,
But she told him to hit the road,
Now every Saturday night we crank up the lightnin'
And hook up my electrodes.
She told all her friends about me,
Now they all want a monster too,
So, fellas, don't despair if you ain't Fred Astaire
Somewhere there's a scream queen for you!
I guess everybody's got their secrets,
Everbody's got their kinks,
Everybody's got somethin' gets them hot,
And it may not be what you think.
And if you can't beat 'em, might as well join 'em,
I'm the editor-in-chief of
The best-selling obscene inventions' magazine,
Check out this issue of Neckbolt Love.
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