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Half Man Half Biscuit

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Half Man Half Biscuit

Old Age Killed My Teenage Bride

It was a natural state of affairs
It was a quiet ambition of hers
She had a room overlooking the lawn
It was a perfect August morn
And with a crossword clue in her head
'Origin of Species' read
King James' under the bed
No broken bones, no gaping wound
About 10 centimetres wide
No sword protruding from her side
It's just like Dr Forbes implied
Old age killed my teenage bride
She didn't care for adrenaline sports
Never learned any difficult chords
Did she ever have a scrap with a bear?
If she did, I wasn't there
And yesterday at a hundred and one
She had a shower, cup of tea and a scone
And just as 'Cash In The Attic' came on
Such sweet delight upon her face
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No armed response team stood outside
No torso washed up on the tide
It could not be more cut and dried
Old age killed my teenage bride
And when she reached her centenary year
They gathered round her wanting to hear
All the tips on staying the course
She said, “At 21 I got a divorce
And I hold no particular creed
I've never coveted things I don't need
Under ladders I walked without fuss
'Cos it stopped me getting hit by a bus”
And she turned to the children at her side
And said, “Take the good and the bad times in your stride”
And, “Abseil for no one.” Then she died
Seems old age killed my teenage bride
Teenage bride
My teenage bride