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Victoria Wood
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Pam
Can I tell you who I am?
I'm Pamela Patricia, but they call me Pam.
I don't like shorts or slingback shoes,
My only pair of trousers are my gardening trews.
I don't say who, I do say whom,
I never use the toilet, just the smallest room.
I don't say gay, I still say quere,
I think that Mussolini had the right idea.
Got engaged in '62,
Got married in the April, in a nice pale blue;
It all turned sour, to say the least,
I was stuck in Abagelli with a sex-crazed beast.
Our wedding night, I heard a cough,
There was Harold in the doorway with his 'jamas off;
Now look, I said, I must be blunt,
I couldn't give a beggar's on the whole sex front.
Not me, not my scene,
I prefer a game of Rummy and an Ovaltine.
Harold, dear, do get dressed,
I've seen one in a book and I was not impressed.
Once divorced, I lived alone,
Then chummed up with a woman by the name of Joan.
She moved in, she seemed quite nice,
Wore army boots and braces, but I didn't think twice.
Then one night, she seemed upset,
I said, are you not happy in my maisonette?
She drained her rum and baby sham,
Ran her fingers through her crewcut, said I love you Pam.
I didn't faint, I didn't scream,
Just carried on demolishing my custard cream.
She said, won't you come upstairs with me?
I'll show you just how wonderful a love can be.
I said alright, but don't be late,
There's a thing by Alan Bennett on at half past eight.
Well, up we go, and off she went,
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But the only thing that happened was my specs got bent.
Not me, how I feel,
I'd rather have a coffee and a wagon wheel;
Joan, dear, do get dressed,
No woman over forty suits a mauve stringed vest.
Then last year to beat the blues,
I booked myself a cabin on a ten day cruise;
So much to do, so much to see,
With a load of single women who look just like me.
Then one night, I clicked like that,
With a bachelor named Billy in a golfing hat.
We were so happy, hand in hand,
Listening to a lecture on the prostate gland.
I told him sex had been no go,
He took it as a challenge and we went below.
We kissed and hugged without delay,
He tried to take my rainhood off, I said no way.
He said I bet you ten whole pounds,
Pam, I bet you have an orgasm while I'm around.
He got stuck in, he really tried,
But I only felt a tremour down my left hand side.
Not me, that's my boast,
I prefer a bit of ironing and a round of toast.
Bill, dear, do get dressed,
But he just fell over groaning as he clutched his chest.
He went:
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh...
It was that type of sound.
Bill was dead, he died for me,
They took him on a stretcher as I drank my tea.
But as I poured another cup, I thought,
I never had that orgasm... I'm ten quid up!
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