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Nornalup 27/11/11
i'm still stuck
in the rut of convenient misleading
and badly treating
i'd be conceiting
if i could say it's over
even slower i better show her but i won't
please don't
should i ask
one last time
unsure of consequences
or where that path leads
i'm still stuck
november 2011
there were six of us
a train ride for two hours and a bus for four more
none of us old enough to drive
laughter and lingering gazes blur together with the trees of the forest rushing by
too young to be leaving anything behind
i fell in love with a dream, of what our life could be
the smell of wood smoke, warm tea and old couches on fading porches
'and in that dream
i'm as old as the mountain
children grown on the edge of the riverbank
what a life we led in the summer'
the following year was different
smiles just a little bit quicker to fade
eyelids heavier earlier
more years behind us
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more alcohol to erase them
the third time felt like the last and it would be
and i wonder if i'll ever go back there again
or if there is a place to go back to
not a home but a place to feel at peace
and a place to feel truly loved
so i've been saying no to things my body needs and yes to everything it doesn't
trying to find my way back
drawing pictures with old memories of times we spent forgetting heartbreak or words we shared
content in masking taste with inhales and exhales
locating memories and isolating warmth and feelings
you've given me reason to remember
watching ink set into skin the flux of light and colours mix the pain
interlocking denial and confusion
scattering and shattering
regularly waking with a head weighed down waiting to regret the day ahead
eager to forget
contemplating temptation
and the subtle seduction of never knowing
(trying to find my way back
the smoke doesn't taste the same
always wondering if and doubting that it is even possible
trying to find my way back)
i heard there was a fire
but i'm too afraid to ask
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