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Twisted Chicago Cast
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I Steal Everything
ALADDIN
Want food, but got no money?
I'm screwed, or so it would seem
That's why I came up with this brilliant scheme
Just steal everything!
Alright, monkey, let's feast!
Ugh. Raisins. I hate raisins.
Hey, little orphaned kids, you guys hungry? Want some bread?
ORPHANED KIDS
We do, sir.
ALADDIN
Fetch, you fucks!
For real, I'm not that picky
I'll steal whatever's in sight
Don't judge, 'cause you don't understand my plight
ORPHANED KID
Hey, my crutch!
ALADDIN
It's mine now, loser.
I steal everything.
CITIZEN
Bread! Bread for sale! Reasonably priced for these hard times!
ALADDIN
Ah, hey there, friendo!
CITIZEN
Not you again! Please, you just stole a loaf of bread from me this morning!
ALADDIN
Yeah, and you gotta stop putting raisins in it, man.
I hate raisins.
I was talkin' to Monkey about it, and he thinks we should just kill you!
But I was like, no, Monkey, that's crazy
But now I'm kinda thinking... yeah.
No more fucking raisins.
Did you know in this barbaric country
They only give you money if you work
Thanks, but no thanks, man
I'll keep stealing all I can
Instead of being a facist yuppy jerk
CITIZENS
Hippie! Fucker! Slacker!
ALADDIN
Sucker!
Who would seek employment
When life offers such enjoyment?
Anything I get, I could get for free
Besides, the economy's shit
So I make haste for making exits
Get chased by a murderous mob
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Hey man, still beats getting a job
Am I right?
WOMAN
Getting in trouble a little early today, aren't we Aladdin?
ALADDIN
You're only in trouble if you get caught.
WOMAN
Aladdin?
ALADDIN
I'm in trouble.
WOMAN
After that night we spent together, my belly grows big with child.
My father says that you must marry me now, or I'll bring dishonor to my entire family.
ALADDIN
Woah, woah, woah, woah
I can't give up on my dreams and settle down just 'cause your dad's being a dick.
Besides, if I do marry, I want it to be for love.
WOMAN
Aladdin... I understand.
ALADDIN
You're such a special girl, Jezabel.
WOMAN
Who's Jezabel?!
ALADDIN
Uh oh. Busted.
WOMAN
Asshole!
ALADDIN
Oh, wow.
WOMAN'S FATHER
Douchebag!
ALADDIN
Hey now!
Just one question, why, man?
WOMAN'S FATHER
'Cause you stole my daughter's hymen!
ALADDIN
That's completely fair, but in my defense,
Dude, your daughter's hot.
I feel that it's my duty to steal, 'cause stealing's an art
I'll steal clothing and shelter, whatever I lack
Candy from babies, the shirt off your back!
Credit indentities, thunder and seams
Intellectual property, whatever that means.
And if you'll look closer
This poor little orphan will steal your heart.
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