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Cretin
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How To Wreck Your Life In Three Days
Fire is the great fixer. Dad taught me that. His last words were, “Boy, if you've got a problem, fix it with
fire.” Then the cancer took him. We never even hugged. He kept making me repeat it.
The next day, I got in a wreck. I suppose you heard this on the news. Exchanging info, I was suddenly
overwhelmed and tipped a lighter to the pool of gas beneath my car. Took care of that problem! And
when I got home, my landlord started nagging me about the rent I was behind. Problem: rent. Solution:
fire. I watched the blaze from across the street.
Day two. I hid from the cops and kept fixing problems. This alerted them more quickly. The answer to
the cop car was gasoline. Then I solved a dog that barked at me. I scorched all my hair and went to the
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store to get something for my burns, but had to burn down the store instead. Sure, problems turned to
ash, but fire has a way of catching.
Today is the third day since dad died. Mom, I know he found me disappointing, and I was only looking to
say goodbye, but what did he mean—mean about the fire? I think the problem might really be me. I'm
the problem. The problem and the fixer. Problem: me. So- lution: fire. I know what he was trying to say.
“Boy, you were always a problem. Fix this with fire.”
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