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Daniel Tosh
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Three
So I was walking into whole foods recently, I don't grocery shop there, it's too expensive, but I love the smell of lavender so it's where I get my laundry detergent. Normally when you walk into whole foods there's somebody outside with a clipboard like “Hey you wanna help pandas keep getting boners?” On this day It was like “Hey you wanna help overturn prop 8?” and imp like “ehh” I just wanted to shop I didn't want- huhehh. But I noticed there was a really old lady walking in behind me and I wanted to make sure she was asked as well like that I wasn't profiled “this guy's queer, he'll help” an sure enough she asked “maam do you wanna help overturn prop 8?” “Ooohhh” I'm like “explain it to her.” “Its to make gay marriage legal in the state of California.” She's like “ohhh” and I could just see 80 r 90 y! ears of sexist racist shit that she's had to put up with go round and round i'm praying she falls over dead like “Carpet munchers, no!” none of which happened, she signed it im an ass hole. Do you remember the commercials they ran? It was a little girl she came running home from school, and shed be like “mommy mommy mommy the teacher said when I get older I can marry a princess if I want to.” And they're like “what're you gonna do when your kid says that?” and every parent in California's like “oh, we're gonna have to talk to our kids? Sorry queers, nope.” Yea, that's esperanzas job. So I wanna hire the same little girl to do commercials for me in the state of Utah. And I want her to come running home and be like “mommy mommy mommy how come you're nine years older than me? Because we learned math, and this doesn't add up. Mommy mommy mommy mommy,” she's calling out to all of her mothers, they start to come out of the cabinets in their l! ittle house on the prairie outfits. Trying to explain how open! minded they really are, compared to who? The Amish? Am I the only person that blames global warming entirely on the Amish? Are they not a constant reminder of how awful life would be without all of this great technology? Every time I want to cut back and conserve on natural resources, I just look at the Amish and I'm like “hoho, fuck that, fill it up, fill it up, no no, im not gonna ride around in a buggy, its bad enough I have a four cylinder.” But I would like a fireless fireplace. I don't know how you did it Amish; apparently you teamed up with the wickens because that is magical. You know the economy's in the toilet when the Amish can afford full page adds in every paper. Apparently butter is recession proof. Does anyone in hear even know what im talking about at this point? The Amish make this fireplace that doesn't plug in, there's no fire, but its pumping out heat, I assume there's a hamster in there losing his mind. Its no snuggie but it's a good product. ! Yea somebody bought me a snuggie as a joke gift, hah, jokes on you, I enjoy it. Yea, I toss and turn at night and finally a blanket that's like “nuh uh, im gonna keep you warm” its like having a small child with polio keep you in a full nelson, the perfect pressure. What upset me about the gift was that's all I received was one sage green snuggie when in fact I know it comes with 2 snuggies and 2 book lights those are $20 values where the hell is the rest of my gift? Yea. You have until Christmas, or im coming to your house and ripping three quarters of your fat head off your wall. “Not big ben” yea. Ben shouldn't be in the bathroom with anyone. Ben rothlesberger is Tim tebow minus Jesus. Speaking of quarterbacks. Brett Favre. I love that everybody gave him so much grief to retire, are you kidding me? First of all, do you want me to fix the economy? Because I can, its very simple, you have to be prepared to work really hard for your entire life and eventually ! die. And it's the ladder that's the biggest problem, no bo! dy dies. People live forever, people get to retire at 65 that was an age that was set when people would die at 66, 66 and a half, people live forever now and our economy cant afford that. I don't even know how old my grand parents are, but I know that they should be dead. And trust me, they don't wanna be alive either there's not a welcome mat at their front unit in Naples Florida there's a do not resuscitate nailed to their door. I'm not making that up. If you knock on my grandparent's house and you see one of them laying on the ground the only thing you are legally allowed to do is a finishing move. “DOOKEN” that's mine. Brett Favre should retire. Are you out of your mind, he makes $12million a year to play a game. “ Yea im gonna keep playing” “hey Brett the world thinks you should retire” “you said 12 million right? Yea, they can go fuck themselves.” I would never quit are you kidding me? What about 4 years he's not good enough to be a starter but ! he can be a back up you know what that pays? About 4-5 million “oh, yep im gonna do that.” How bout 10 years not good enough to be a back up but he can be on the practice squad you know what that pays? About 850,000 “uh yep im gonna do that as well.” Play forever. Itd make the game more enjoyable. If people weren't allowed to retire? Athletes don't wanna quit either see some 70 year old return a punt, he gets hit he explodes and dies on the field with some honor.
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