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Jim Gaffigan
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Hot Pockets
Im a little slow tonight
I had a hot pocket for dinner.
Good to see im not the only white trash here.
Crowd cheers
I buy the hot pockets,
I go in Grocery Stores and im like
'Yeah i'll get these.'
I've never eaten a hot pocket
And then afterwards said,
'I'm glad I ate that.'
Then I was like,
'I'm gonna die...'
'I paid for that?'
'Did I eat it or rub it on my face?'
'My BACK HURTS!'
'OOOhhhhh'
I was looking at a box of hot pockets,
They have a warning on the side...
It's like:
'WARNING YOU JUST BOUGHT HOT POCKETS'
'I hope you're drunk or heading home to a trailer.'
'You hill billy enjoy the next nascar event.'
Hot Pocket!
Crowd cheers
I like NASCAR hes a jerk.
You never see that on a menu when you go to dinner.
Its like, 'I'll have the ceaser salad and the hot pocket.'
'Tonights special we have a sea bass that is boiled,
And a hot pocket...
Which is cooked in a dirty microwave.
And that comes with the side of pepto.'
'Is you're hot pocket cold in the middle...?
Its frozen.'
'But it can be served boiling lava hot.'
'Will it burn my mouth?'
'It will destroy your mouth.
Everything will taste like rubber for a month.'
'I'll have the hot pocket.'
Hot Pocket!
Hot pockets... yeah...
Haven't been around that long,
Like 10 years
How'd they come up with it?
Was their this guy in a marketing meeting like,
'Hey I have an idea.
How bout we fill a poptart with nasty meat?
We could cook it in a sleeve thing.
You could dunk it in the toilet.'
long pause
There is the vegitarian hot pocket
For those of us who don't want to eat meat,
But would still like diaheera.
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Diaheera Pocket!
Do you notice there is no dignified way to buy,
Toliet paper?
You always had to buy that multi-pack of 18 rolls.
Stick it in the car and the store people are like,
'Does he ever leave the bathroom?'
'What is he... living off of hot pockets?'
Hot pocket!
Theres the lean pocket,
I don't want to know whats in there...
Imagine the directions:
'Take out of box and put directly in toilet.'
Flush pocket!
Crowd cheers
Recently they introduced the breakfast hot pocket.
Finally!
I can't think of a better way to start the day!
'Good Moooorrning!!'
'You're about to call in sick.'
Hot pocket!
Crowd Cheers
You could have a hot pocket for breakfast,
A hot pocket for lunch,
And be dead by dinner.
Dead Pocket!
Do love that jangle.
Do you think they worked hard on that song?
'What do you got so far, Bill?'
'Uh... uh... hot pocket?'
'Thats good, thats very good.
Not as good as you buying (something),
But it's good.
Now what are we going to run in Mexico?'
'K&K pocket?'
'You got a gift, my friend.
Don't hide that in a bushel basket.'
Hot pocket!
I saw a commerical for a chicken pot pie hot pocket.
Now their just messin' with us.
Just a matter of time:
'Have you tried the hot pocket hot pocket?
It's a hot pocket filled with a hot pocket.
It tastes just like a hot pocket.'
Might as well stick my head in a microwave,
Hot pocket!
'He went crazy up there...
I have no idea what he was doing there at the end,
I thought he was doin' drugs or somethin',
It was weeiiiirrrddd.
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