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Jenny Hval
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Heaven
Oh, Heaven, the next Queens-bound train is two stations away
From Tredestand, my white gown that curls around
the harbour fetal-style. I never was a girly girl, forgive me!
From the very back of the church choir
I am standing, lone alto range.
Girl in Black.
The front row clasp their hands now,
they're singing with devotion.
I separate from feeling, complex harmonic motion.
What's wrong with their voices?
I sing like this when I'm at home.
I shut my mouth and ran away,
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spot out that neoliberal, girly heart
that held no blood and made no beat,
just vibrated sweetly in the chest.
But I'm 33 now, that's Jesus-age, and girl spaces come back to me.
I want to sing religiously, you know, airy, more than necessary, climbing the ladders just to fall, uncontrollably to Heaven.
To, Heaven, I'm standing in a graveyard of girls.
Oh Tredestand, Oh, white gown,
the tombstones are so tall and hard,
I want to sit on them, put death inside my body, I want!
So much death! I'm sorry. I just want to feel...
So much death, a hole to nowhere
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