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Kelli O'Hara
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They Don't Let You In The Opera (If You're A Country Star)
Now, I was born down in Georgia,
but Georgia wasn't good enough for me.
I'd sing country songs for them,
but my heart sang La Bohème,
and it didn't help we moved to Tennessee.
Nashville's not the place you sing high C.
If you wanna sing at all,
you best sing country,
so I picked up how to do it pretty fast.
Be a country star or go,
in the sticks them hicks don't know
Verdi's Rigoletto from their ---
So a country star's how I came to pass.
But I'll sing opera one day
(It's like opry with an a)
I told my agent in his fancy car,
and it pained him -I could tell-
when he said, 'No chance in ----,
they won't let you in the opera
if you're a country star.'
(Is it the way I say obligetto?)
So I took that country singing job and shoved it,
and I headed to The Met at NYC.
I know that stage is hard to reach,
but Domingo likes a peach.
You should hear that tenor voice sing Rockabilly.
Now I'm trying out for The Barber of Sevilly,
when a voice booms from the house,
'From those tassels on your blouse,
I can tell you've got a twang and play guitar.
Aha, I bet they loved you in the south,
but please, don't open your mouth.
We can't let you in the opera
if you're a country star,
cause no patron trusts an opera
in the hands of a country star.'
Do you think I can't wail
'cause I got long pink fingernails?
I had to play more country songs
just to stay afloat.
Though Aida's my role,
I'm in a southern pigeon hole.
I sing like Mary Callas,
but no one's heard a note!
Till I charmed an old blowhard who
owns half of Julliard, said my singing
was so beautiful he cried.
And I felt my heartbeat hop
then I heard his heartbeat stop,
he said, 'Welcome to the Opera.'
And then the ------- died.
Well, time went by, I gave up on the opera.
Grabbed a man, got ready for a kid.
Though La Scala never called,
my ears still get enthralled
when I hear a great soprano blow her lid,
so head up to the opera house I did.
But as vibratos start to shake,
I feel my water break...
I'd never even make it down the aisle.
If you'd have been there you'd have seen
from that second mezzanine,
first a head, then two feet
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from my $90 seat
as I lifted up my gown
to the Dr. 2 rows down.
It hurts like ----!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Does that squish the baby? How can it breathe?
Contraction! Contraction! Ohh!
Contraction! Contraction! Ohh!
My God, I paid so much for Dr. Chong,
and now this!
Ohhhhh! Ohhhhh! Ohhhhh!
Ohhhhh! Ohhhhh! Ohhhhh!
OW! You son of a -----!
No, thank you, I mean it.
Ohhhhh! Ow, you ------!
Ohhhhh!
Contraction! Contraction! Ohh!
Yes! I feel that! Ohhhhh!
Oww! Oww! Oww! Oww! Oww! Oww! Oww!
I'm pushing. Ohhhhh!
I'm pushing. Ohhhhh!
Oh, my God, oh, my God.
It's like pushing a watermelon
through a hole the size of a lemon.
Aha! Aha! Aha! What?
Well, it better be a girl!
Ohhhhh! Ohhhhh!
Ohhhhh!
I'm so sorry about your dress!
Ohhhhhhhhhhh!
Well, now, to my surprise,
those patrons had tears in their eyes.
The New York Times Review even raved I was all that.
Found the headline bizarre,
'Opera Gives Birth to a New Star!
When She was Done What Fun and a newborn in Her Lap'
Then the head of the trustee's board
said, 'Before you cut the cord,
here's an 8-year contract and some caviar.
You'll start right away, my dear.
We have daycare, please sign here.'
Been my dream since I sang country,
now I'm an opera star.
But you were the best part of the opera by far.
Now a crib ain't where you're needin' pearls of wisdom,
but listen up before you've cried a word.
When you hear no, don't get upset,
it means yes, but just not yet.
Fight the most when folks say you're absurd,
in the end, I believe we all get heard.
But if I may suggest one rule,
before I'm no longer cool,
what you do ain't always who you are.
So if you find your heart is set
on both Memphis and the Met,
And they force you to choose,
don't run off and sing the blues.
Bet your --- you can sing opera
if you're a country,
-that's a C- star! Hey!
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