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Tim Minchin
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Three Minute Song - Conan Version
Clock!
My people rang me up a couple of weeks ago
Yeah, I've got people, and a phone, and a grasp on the passage of time
Yeah, they rang me up, said 'Tim, do you wanna go on Conan's show?
They want you to sing a song; baby, it'll be fine, fine, fine'
But the problem with my particular oeuvre
Is that half my songs are five minutes and over
And they say on USA TV
That viewers switch off if you go past three
And a lot of my songs have a bit of bad language
Which causes viewers untold anguish
I'm told your tolerance for smut does not extend
beyond 'The Golden Girls' and 'Two and a Half Men.'
And so I…
Need a song that only goes for three minutes
Without no boobs or blasphemy in it
A charming little ditty that won't raise the rates
of the hearts of the people in the pious states.
I need a song with a chor us and a verse
Without no nasty cussing and a-cursing
I'm a little too lewd and a little too long
I gotta write myself a three minute song
And they said 'Remember, boy, that music is like lovemaking
It's simply self-indulgent to take it past three minutes.
Remember, boy, that music is like lovemaking
Everybody loves a pianist but length must have a limit
So you
Need a song that only goes for three minutes
Without no pornography or politics in it
A little less rude and more concise
Just be yourself but brief and nice'
Three hundred beats at a hundred beats a minute
With a nice clean jokes and a hoe-down in it
I'm a little verbose and a little bit wrong
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I gotta write myself a clean-living three minute song
And even in the bridge
I won't be lyrically adventurous
Conceptually contentious
Or racially offensious
And I won't make double entendres
At the expense of the Chinese
For China is a country that can bring me to my knees
For China
For China
For China
For China
For China is a country that will bring me to my knees
'All right ladies you have periods, we get it.' a-ha-ha-ha
Two, three, fore skin
I need a little happy-clappy country song
Nice and repetitive and not too long
Boring enough but not too boring
With a key change here to prevent me snoring
I need a song that only goes for three minutes
Without no vulgarity or vulvas in it
You don't get laughs by lingering
But I'd better get a giggle with my fingering
PIANO SOLO
I need a song that causes no offense
So I can flog more tickets to my concerts.
In the hope that the network sticks me on
A late night show or a nice sitcom.
You've got a box and I want be in it
And apparently you'll only watch for three minutes
Don't mind me, I'll be done in three
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