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The Men That Will Not Be Blamed For Nothing
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Steph(v)enson
[spoken：]In the Victorian era, there lived four notable gentlemen who all shared a common surname.
[spoken：]Really? How queer!
[spoken：]One appeared on the five-pound note.
[spoken:]The queen?
[spoken:]No, not our noble empress.
[spoken:]God bless 'er!
[spoken:]I favor a republic.
[spoken:]Actually, so do I.
[spoken:]Two were engineers, and one was a novelist. One of the greatest in the English language
[spoken:]What, Enid Blyton?
[spoken:]Even better than Enid Blyton. Less racist.
[spoken:]In that case, Mr. O'Neill, what was that common surname?
[spoken:]Well, Mr. Heinz, it was Steph(v)enson.
Oh, Mr. Steph(v)enson,
Oh, Mr. Steph(v)enson,
Oh, Mr. Steph(v)enson,
Which Mr. Steph(v)enson,
Which one are you?
Oh, Mr. Steph(v)enson,
Oh, Mr. Steph(v)enson,
Robert, George, or Robert Louis,
And if Robert, which one,
'Cause there were two!
[spoken:]Now the first Steph(v)enson was George Stephenson, the father of the modern railway.
[spoken:]He gave birth to a railway?
[spoken:]In a metaphorical way, yes, he did. He built steam trains, built steam engines, built railways in small industrial sites, and got the national rail network we know today rolling along.
Oh, Mr. Steph(v)enson,
Oh, Mr. Steph(v)enson,
Oh, Mr. Steph(v)enson,
Which Mr. Steph(v)enson,
Which one are you?
Oh, Mr. Steph(v)enson,
Oh, Mr. Steph(v)enson,
Robert, George, or Robert Louis,
And if Robert, which one,
'Cause there were two!
[spoken:]Now, George Stephenson had a son called Robert Stephenson--he was also an engineer, and this father and son team built the Rocket, the first commercial--
[spoken:]Firework!
[spoken:]No, you're thinking of Guy Fawkes.
[spoken:]Oh, yeah, I love big hats.
[spoken:]I can tell you love big hats. The first commercial steam locomotive.
Oh, Mr. Steph(v)enson,
Oh, Mr. Steph(v)enson,
Oh, Mr. Steph(v)enson,
Which Mr. Steph(v)enson,
Which one are you?
Oh, Mr. Steph(v)enson,
Oh, Mr. Steph(v)enson,
Robert, George, or Robert Louis,
And if Robert, which one,
'Cause there were two!
[spoken:]Now, the Victorian engineer Robert Stephenson should not be confused with the Victorian engineer Robert Stevenson.
[spoken:]Whoa, whoa, hold on, hold on. The Victorian engineer Robert Stephenson should not be confused with the Victorian engineer Robert Stevenson?
[spoken:]Yeah, there were two of them.
[spoken:]My brain's melting.
[spoken:]Now, this other Robert Stevenson mainly worked on lighthouses, but, confusingly, he did also work on steam trains.
[spoken:]Well, how d'you tell 'em apart?
[spoken:]Well, that's pretty straightforward, ah, a simple matter of spelling.
[spoken:]Witchcraft?!
[spoken:]No, not that sort of spelling. They spelt their surnames differently. George and Robert Stephenson spelt it with a 'ph'--the other Robert spelt it with a 'v'.
[spoken:]Oh, I see--'Vephenson'!
[spoken:]Yeah!
Oh, Mr. Vephenson,
Oh, Mr. Vephenson,
Oh, Mr. Vephenson,
Which Mr. Vephenson,
Which one are you?
Oh, Mr. Vephenson,
Oh, Mr. Vephenson,
Robert, George, or Robert Louis,
And if Robert, which one,
'Cause there were two!
[spoken:]Now, the final Stevenson was Robert Louis Stevenson. The author of 'Jekyll & Hyde' and 'Treasure Island'.
[spoken:]Muppets' Treasure Island?
[spoken:]No, not Muppets' Treasure Island. That was Michael Caine.
[spoken:]Oh, yeah.
[spoken:]As well you know. So now we have all four, but of course, the problem remains--
Oh, Mr. Steph(v)enson,
Oh, Mr. Steph(v)enson,
Oh, Mr. Steph(v)enson,
Which Mr. Steph(v)enson,
Which one are you?
Oh, Mr. Steph(v)enson,
Oh, Mr. Steph(v)enson,
Robert, George, or Robert Louis,
And if Robert, which one,
'Cause there were two!
-There were two!
-I made it four!
-There were two Roberts!
-Four Steph(v)ensons!
-Two!
-Four!
[spoken:]Which doesn't include Pamela Stephenson, who gave birth to Billy Connolly.
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