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Twisted Chicago Cast
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No One Remembers Achmed
SOLDIERS
In your homeland you're a legend
All the people know your name
On the battlefield and off you are superior
ACHMED
I know.
In the kingdom though I'm finding
that my only claim to fame
is an incident involving my posterior
(Posterior)
Please. I've won scores of bloody wars
and mopped the floors with my foes,
but no one remembers Achmed.
I've eviscerated peasants
from their heads down to their toes,
but no one remembers Achmed.
Say my name in these parts
And you'll get a vacant stare,
until you mention tigers,
or spotted underwear!
(Spotted underwear!)
So to restore my rebut
as a fierce fearsome brute,
there's only one route I see.
Arrange the slaughter of millions,
of innocent civilians,
then they'll remember me!
The kingdom has oppressed us for years!
Stripped us of our most basic rights, our dignity, our pants!
But I've been ignored for too long. We're going to war!
SOLDIERS
Caked in mud or drenched in blood
You smell as fresh as a flower (I guess)
But no one remembers Achmed
You can pleasure 60 concubines
In on-ly an hour! (Less!)
But no one remembers Achmed
ACHMED
Back home I was a hero,
ladies trembled when I spoke.
But here the women treat me
like a throwaway joke
(Throw him away)
I'm a god on earth but darnit
even deities incarnate
now and then can feel
a little insecure (insecure)
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All I want is some affection.
These rejections are almost
too much to endure
(To endure, look at all he must endure)
Am I not a thing of beauty?
Don't you want a piece of this?
Wouldn't you happily give up all of your worldly possessions
Just to greet me when I come home from a one-sided massacre
And bathe my sweaty, bloody body with your tongue?
SOLDIERS
You ooze sex when you flex
Those impeccable pecs
ACHMED
But the princess rejects me still
She may not love me yet,
but I'm willing to bet
that once I kill all her people
she will!
(Yes she will, yes she absolutely will!)
Let them laugh, that's just fine,
but the last laugh will be mine
SOLDIERS
'Cause they can't laugh when they're all dead!
I'll make them all regret
the day they chose to forget
(what's that name, everyone?)
Tiger fucker!
ACHMED
No!
Like I said, what's that name?
SOLDIERS
You're the cock of the walk
with abs as hard as a rock.
Nevermore will they mock you Achmed!
He fucked a tiger!
(I did not fuck a tiger!)
They'll remember Achmed!
They'll remember Achmed!
They'll remember Achmed!
(They'll remember me!)
Tiger fucker!
Tiger fucker!
Achmed is a tiger fucker!
They'll remember Achmed, the tiger fucking man!
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