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Casey
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Phosphenes
I feel the veins that sit behind my eyes
Grow varicose as gentle light starts
Filtering through fractured blinds
That shade the world from me
You'd always watch me as I'd wax and wane
Fluoxetine and slow decay
Dependence on a medicine is Hell without relief
I am bereft of the ineffable affections I feel I am owed
My vacancy and apathy are all that I have left to show
For years I spent in isolation, for chemicals that took the place
Of fleeting moments in which I found reprieve from misery
And it seems the only solace I'm afforded is now
Instead of wanting to kill myself I just sleep
I guess progress really isn't want I thought it would be
And as I lay supine and let the phosphenes fade after another collapse
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I'm left to contemplate if I'm really getting better
Or if I'm just numb to the feeling of falling apart
My dichotomy has always been that I'm scared of burdening those who love me
But knowing I need help before I die afraid and lonely
But maybe it's all in my head
The irony I face is that whenever I try to medicate my aches
It kills the only part of me that makes me want to stay
And as I lay supine and let the phosphenes fade
After another collapse I'm left to contemplate
If I'm really getting better, or if I'm just numb
To the feeling of falling apart
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