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Free Cake / Meat Your Maker
Rigby：Oh man, oh man, oh man oh man! Mordecai, check it out! I found it in the trash in the back. Isn't it cool?
(Rigby brings a cracked plate decorated with a face and words SIMON KIPNER GODFATHER OF THE SOUL PATCH)
Mordecai：Dude, you gotta stop pulling stuff out of the trash. It's unnatural.
Rigby：You're unnatural! Besides, this is different. It's a treasure from the past.
Mordecai：It is a pretty sweet plate.
Rigby: We should put some food on this baby!
Mordecai: Hmm, Hmm. Agreed. You know what would look great on this plate? Chocolate cake!
Rigby: Ahhhhh, Yes! But how can we afford something as good as chocolate cake?
Mordecai: Don't worry, dude. I think I know where we can get one.
(Mordecai and Rigby are at the grocery store)
Mordecai (continued): Check it, dude. Cake mix. Add some water, slap it in the oven, pull that greasy pig out and BAM! You've got yourself a cake, baby.
Rigby: I can't wait to eat that greasy pig. Wait, how much does it cost?
Mordecai: (Looks at the box) A buck fifty.
Mordecai and Rigby: Aaaargh!
Rigby: I told you cake mix is too expensive.
(Mordecai and Rigby go to a wedding)
Doorman: Do you know the bride or the groom?
Mordecai and Rigby: Uuuhhh.
Mordecai: The one with the cake?
(The doorman shuts the door)
Mordecai and Rigby: Ugghhh!!
(Mordecai and Rigby go to the free store)
Cashier at the free store: Yeah, we don't have cakes.
(Mordecai and Rigby groan, scene cuts to the house)
Mordecai: (Sighs) Well, I'm all out of ideas.
Rigby: Ooh! I got it! There's that chocolate cake at the snack bar!
Mordecai: Yeah. But Benson will only let you have it for free if it's your birthday.
Rigby: Who's to say it's not my birthday?
Mordecai: Who's to say it's not my birthday?
Mordecai and Rigby: Free cake! Free cake!
Benson: It's neither of your birthdays.
Rigby: Aw, man! He's killing us with that!
Mordecai and Rigby: (Sadly) No cake. No cake.
Pops: But it is Skips's birthday!
Mordecai and Rigby: Free cake! Free cake!
Benson: But he's really private about it.
Mordecai and Rigby: (Sadly) No cake. No cake.
Benson: Come to think of it, I don't think we've ever had a party for Skips.
Pops: If memory serves, Skips secludes himself in the woods every year on the day of his birth.
Mordecai: So, wait? You guys have never thrown a party for Skips?
Benson: No.
Mordecai: Dude, that sucks! Skips totally deserves a party!
Rigby: (Who interrupts) And cake!
Mordecai: Whenever something goes wrong, it's Skips who fixes it. He's always there for us, no matter what. I bet Skips wants a party, but he's such a quiet guy he doesn't know how to ask! We owe him a party!
Rigby: And also a cake!
Pops: Woo! Good show, jolly good show! Benson, a soiree for Skips, what a crackerjack idea!
Benson: You're right. Fine! If you two get Skips on board, we'll throw a party for him.
Mordecai: Oh, we know how to get him on board.
(We cut back to the house)
Mordecai (continued): Okay! How will we get him on board?
Rigby: Oh, I know! Let's get a van!
(Mordecai and Rigby throw an unconscious Skips into a van)
Rigby (continued): Happy birthday, Skips! BAM! Free cake!
Mordecai: No, dude. That's kidnapping.
Rigby: But we can't just tell him. You heard Benson, Skips isn't into this stuff.
Mordecai: I know, but dude, Skips is cool! We should just go and tell him we gonna throw him a party.
Rigby: Argh, lame!
Mordecai: What? What's wrong with that?
Rigby: Two things: one --- no surprise and two --- no vans!
Mordecai: Ah, that's it!
Rigby: What? Vans?
Mordecai: No! Surprise! Dude, we should throw Skips a surprise party!
Rigby: Dude, that's perfect!
Mordecai: Yeah, I know. 'Cause no one can say NO to a surprise party!
Rigby: 'Cause they can't!
Mordecai and Rigby: Free cake! Free cake!
Skips: No, I don't wanna hang out with you, guys, at 8 o'clock tonight.
Mordecai: Well, then... How about later tonight?
Skips: No! I wanna be left alone!
Mordecai: Argh, man. What would we do now?
Rigby: Dude! Check it! We'd just lie to Benson and get a cake first, and figure out the Skips part later.
Mordecai: Hmm, hmm. Sounds like a cake of the idea to me.
Mordecai and Rigby: Free cake! Free cake!
Mordecai: Skips totally wants a birthday party.
Benson: Really? How did you convince him?
Mordecai: We told him there's gonna be cake.
Rigby: Yeah, he wants an extra-large chocolate one!
Benson: Really?
Mordecai: Yeah. 8 o'clock. His place.
Rigby: But he wants it to be a surprise, so if you see him don't say anything. (Mordecai punches Rigby.) Ow!
Benson: Okay. Here's the key to the cake in a snack bar. I guess I'll see you at 8. BUT IF YOU, MORONS, ARE LYING TO ME, YOU'LL BE ON DISH DUTY FOR A NEXT MONTH!
Mordecai: We did it!
Rigby: Let's eat it!
Mordecai: No! You heard Benson. Do you wanna be on dish duty?
Rigby: Arghhhhhhh, fine! We'll do dish duty.
Mordecai: No, dude. We have to get Skips.
(Mordecai and Rigby walk through the woods. Rigby carries the cake.)
Rigby: Are you sure Skips is even here?
Mordecai: Pops said Skips secludes himself in the woods. Where else should we look? (Rigby's stomach rumbles.) Don't touch that cake.
Rigby: It's a medical emergency!
Mordecai: You just ate a sandwich!
Rigby: Are you a doctor now? Did you go a medical school in a past 5 minutes?
Mordecai: We're saving it for the party, and that's THAT.
(Mordecai takes the cake from Rigby.)
(At Skips' place.)
Benson: Do you see them?
Pops: Not yet!
Benson: Hit a light. It's almost 8 p.m.
Muscle Man: Whooooo! Skips is gonna be so surprised when he comes and sees us totally naked!
Benson: It's not that kind of party, Muscle Man!
Muscle Man: Ohhhh! Don't turn on the lights!
(In the woods.)
Rigby: Ohhhh, man, it's almost 8. We're not gonna find him, let's just eat it!
Mordecai: No. Benson's gonna get pissed, so we shouldn't. (In reruns, the line is changed to 'Benson's gonna get ticked, so we shouldn't.')
Rigby: Benson's gonna get like that no matter what. (Grabs the cake from Mordecai.) Better to have no regrets!
Mordecai: Dude! No! (Grabs the cake back. Rigby jumps on Mordecai trying to get the cake.) RIGBY! GET OFF! (Mordecai throws Rigby off and tries to run away with the cake, but Rigby gets him. They fight over the cake.) Dude! Quit it! You're ruining the cake! (A mysterious sound is heard.) Wait! What's that? Sounds like some kind of weird Aztec ritual... (Mordecai and Rigby stop fighting. While Mordecai was puzzling over the sound Rigby sneakily obtained the cake.) I think it's coming from over there. We should go to check it out.
Rigby: That's funny. Usually, if there's a strange noise in the woods, you don't check it out. Mordecai? (They see Skips jumping around a blue-colored bonfire with a big rattle.) What's Skips doing?
Mordecai: I don't know. But it looks kind of important. Maybe we should leave him alone.
Rigby: What about the cake?
Mordecai: Could you forget about the cake for a minute? Rigby!
(Rigby interrupts Skips.)
Rigby: You're coming with us, Skips!
Skips: What are you doing!!!??? (The bonfire goes out.) Fools! You interrupted my spirit dance! You don't realize what you've done!
(A white pickup lands near them.)
Gary: Skips! You have broken the pact with the Guardians of Youth!
Skips: Gary! You don't have to do this!
Gary: Listen! I'm just doing my job.
(Both teleport into the pickup.)
Mordecai: Wait! Where are you taking him?
Gary: I'm only the chauffeur.
(The pickup leaves.)
Mordecai: Dude! I think we just screwed Skips!
Rigby: And ourselves! No Skips --- no cake!
Mordecai: Come on! We better follow him! (They jump into the trunk. The pickup arrives onto a sandy island in the space.) Dude! What the...
Rigby: Dude! What's with the babies? We've got to get Skips back to the park.
Mordecai: Shh! Shut up!
Gary: Guardians of Eternal Youth! I have brought you the condemned!
Guardian of Eternal Youth: Skips! You have failed to complete the Spirit Dance! And thus the pact you made with us for eternal youth has been broken! Now you shall shrivel into dust and disappear! Forever!
(The Guardians of Eternal Youth blast Skips with energy beams. Skips turns very old and collapses to the ground.)
Mordecai and Rigby: SKIPS!!!!!
(Skips starts crumbling to dust.)
Mordecai: Wait! That's not his fault!
Guardian of Eternal Youth: What's done is done!
Mordecai: But it is our fault! We interrupted the dance before he could finish!
Rigby: Yeah, man! Let him finish that dance thing!
Guardian of Eternal Youth: The decision of the Guardians cannot be overturned!
(Skips continues crumbling to dust.)
Mordecai and Rigby: SKIPS!!!!!
Mordecai: We're sorry, Skips!
Rigby: Yeah, we're sorry!
Mordecai: We just wanna to throw you a surprise party!
Rigby: Yeah! It was going to be really cool. We were gonna eat cake...
Guardian of Eternal Youth: Cake?! Did someone say cake?
Rigby: No! There's no cake!
Guardian of Eternal Youth: Wait, brothers! I smell cake! Do you smell it as well?
Guardian of Eternal Youth 2: I smell cake!
Guardian of Eternal Youth 3: As do I! Cake! Cake!
Mordecai: Wait! You guys like cake?
Guardians of Eternal Youth: Yes! Yes! We love it!
Mordecai: Give me the cake, dude!
Rigby: No way!
(Mordecai grabs the cake from Rigby.)
Mordecai: So, you're telling me you like cake?
Guardian of Eternal Youth: The blue one has cake! Cake! Give us the cake!
Mordecai: Nah! The cake for Skips!
Rigby: Mordecai, what are you doing?!
Mordecai: Dude! Do you want Skips to die on his birthday?
(Skips is almost dead.)
Rigby: All right!
Mordecai: Do we have a deal?
(Guardians of Youth decide to debate a situation.)
Guardian of Eternal Youth: What flavor is it?
Mordecai: Chocolate!
Guardian of Eternal Youth: We have reached a new decision! We will restore Skips' youth in exchange for your cake!
(Mordecai puts the cake on the ground.)
Mordecai: Now change him back!
Guardian of Eternal Youth: Done!
(Skips returns back to normal. Guardians of Youth start smearing themselves with the cake.)
Rigby: Aw, what! They are not even eating it! They're just smushing it on their faces!
Guardian of Eternal Youth: Be gone with you!
(Mordecai, Rigby and Skips disappear and materialize at Skips' place.)
Benson, Pops, Muscle Man, Hi Five Ghost: Surprise!
Pops: Let the merry making commence! (laughs)
Skips: You guys almost kill me for some cake?
Rigby: Hey, Skips! We've got you a birthday present! (Rigby gives Skips the plate he found in a trash.) It says: SKIPS --- GODFATHER OF SOUL!
Skips: No one's ever thrown me a birthday party before. Thanks!
Benson: So, where's the cake?
Mordecai: Ahh, cake?
Rigby: I don't remember anything about cake.
Mordecai: Me neither.
Rigby: Must be a misunderstanding.
Mordecai: Oh! The cake from the snack bar!
Rigby: Did you wanna that cake for this party?
Mordecai: Ha-ha-ha! Oh, man! I mean what a mix-up, right?
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Rigby: The important thing is we are all together.
Benson: Argh, I knew I couldn't trust you, idiots! You're lucky Pops brought a spare! Happy birthday, Skips!
Mordecai: Ha-ha! Yes! Finally! (Bites a piece of the cake.) Argh! Vanilla...
(The end of 'Free Cake')
(Episode begins with Benson, Pops, and Skips in the kitchen of the house.)
Benson: Everyone ready for the barbecue? How's everything coming, Pops?
Pops: I've been making pies all morning! (laughs and brings out the pies)
Benson: Skips?
Skips: I made Chilli.
Benson: Well I have a little surprise. I was getting excited for the annual barbecue so in addition for putting on this shirt (he is wearing a red shirt that had white flowers on it) I splurged on some Super Extra Premium Grade A Hot Dogs.
Pops: Oh, it's been a while since I had a grilled meat link.
Skips: So where'd you get them?
Benson: I got them online. I spared no expense, I even payed extra for overnight shipping.
Skips: So where are they? Let's throw those babies on the grill.
Benson: I gave them to Rigby.
Skips: Huh?
Pops: Oh, are Mordecai and Rigby grilling already?
Benson: No, no, I just told them to bring them outside. I definitely told them NOT to grill the hot dogs.
(At the picnic area, Mordecai and Rigby are standing around, with Rigby holding the hot dogs.)
Mordecai: Are you sure Benson said we could grill the hot dogs?
Rigby: Benson totally said we could grill the hot dogs.
Mordecai: Sweet!
Rigby: Let's get grilling.
Mordecai: Chillin' and Grillin'!
Mordecai and Rigby: Yeah-yuh!
Mordecai: Whoa, Benson spared no expense! Real ingredients? Dude, these are like luxury hot dogs. (He puts them on the grill) Dude, this thing won't light.
Rigby: I know how to get that baby going. (Takes lighter fluid) Out of my way.
(He puts the lighter fluid on the hot dogs, and starts the grill, continuing to put it on the hot dogs.)
Mordecai: Okay, dude, I think that's good.
Rigby: What?
(The hot dogs catch fire)
Rigby: I got it!
(He takes the tablecloth and puts it on the fire, yet it makes it worse)
(Mordecai screams)
(Mordecai and Rigby take the grill and as fast as they can and Mordecai drops the grill in the water and the burned hotdogs float away.)
Rigby: Aw, man. I guess that's why Benson told me NOT to grill.
Mordecai: WHAT?!
(Mordecai drags the grill back to the picnic area, with the grill dripping wet.)
Rigby: I said I was sorry. Come on, man.
Mordecai: No! No more 'Come on, man's! Benson's gonna totally blame me and it's all your fault! I'm sick of you always getting me into trouble!
Rigby: I just wanted to grill time with my bro. Chillin' and Grillin'.
(Mordecai puts his arms up)
Rigby: No. No, don't.
Mordecai: It's too late. Rigby: Come on, dude. Don't!
Mordecai: It's already in motion.
Rigby: Well, put it out of motion!
Mordecai: You pissed me off.
Rigby: Augh! Dude, no. Look at me! (punches Mordecai) Look at me! (punches him again) Augh! If I fix it, will you stop being mad at me?
Mordecai: Maybe.
Rigby: Fine, I'll fix it. I'll just go get some more hot dogs from the meat locker down in the basement. Benson will never know, okaaaaaaaaay?
Mordecai: Fine. You'd better fix it, though.
(Mordecai and Rigby go down to the meat locker as Rigby opens the doors.)
Mordecai: Augh, I hate going down in the meat locker.
(They both go to meat locker and Mordecai holds the door. Rigby is looking for the hot dogs.)
Rigby: Don't worry, it'll be super quick, man! I'll get the hot dogs, you hold the door.
Mordecai: Fine.
Rigby: Meat, meat, meat, meat.
Mordecai: Hurry up, dude! It's freezing.
Rigby: I can't find them.
Mordecai: Argh! I knew you couldn't fix it!
Rigby: Wait! I think they're on top, but I can't reach.
Mordecai: I'll grab 'em. Come hold the door.
(Rigby goes to hold the door while Mordecai looks for the hotdogs.)
Mordecai: I don't see them.
(Rigby approaches Mordecai.)
Rigby: Did you check over there?
Mordecai: Yeah I already... DUDE WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! THE DOOR!
Rigby: Oh my gosh! I totally propped it open with some bags of ice! Check it.
(The ice bags fall and the door slams shut. Mordecai gets mad and is about to cross his arms.)
Rigby: Wait! Wait! I can fix it, there's a safety latch!
(Rigby goes to it and begins pulling it.)
Mordecai: Dude, don't force it!
(The latch breaks and Mordecai and Rigby are banging on the door for help.)
Mordecai and Rigby: Benson! Skips! Help! Pops! HELP!!!!!
(Skips, Benson and Pops hang out in the kitchen. Benson and Pops encourage Skips to drink as much Soda as he can.)
Benson and Pops: Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Yeeeeeeeeaaaaahwoooooooo! (Pops cackles)
(Back to the meat locker.)
Mordecai: Arghhhh!!! You did it to me again, man!
Rigby: Don't worry! I'll get us out of this!
(Rigby tries to break the meat locker door window with a big veal leg 10 times.)
Mordecai: Just give it up, dude. I knew you couldn't fix it.
Rigby: Dude, I fix stuff all the time!
Mordecai: No, you don't.
Rigby: What do you mean?!
Mordecai: The cart, the shoes, the party! That other party.
Rigby: Stop right there! You know Muscle Man pushed me!
Mordecai: Muscle Man wasn't even there!
Rigby: Fine, I'll fix it!
Mordecai: You mean, like when you fixed the grill? Or when you fixed the hot dogs by burning them. Or... Oh, no, wait, I know. You mean, like you brought us down and locked us in the freezer to find more hot dogs? Oh, but --- surprise, surprise --- there are no hot dogs!
Rigby: But I can...
Mordecai: No! Don't even say it! Just shut up so I can find a way out of here before we freeze to death. (chills breath)
Rigby: Mordecai, I found the thermostat! I can totally fix it!
Mordecai: (with blocked nose) Oh, no. (looks behinds) WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT DRUMSTICK??!!
(Rigby hits a duct with a frozen drumstick, causing the temperature to drop severely. Rigby hops out of the way and Mordecai takes the freezing cold while groaning with anger)
Rigby: Mordecai, I'm sorry! Let me try and fix it!
Mordecai: ARGHHHHHHHHHH!!! I'm sick of you saying that! You can't fix this, okay? All you do is mess things up and ruin people's lives!
Rigby: (distressfully) Sorry... I just wanted to help...
Mordecai: Stop pretending like you do anything but get me in trouble! You can't fix anything! And now I'm gonna d-d-die because of you.
(Mordecai puts his arms up)
Rigby: No! (Mordecai crosses them) Dude, don't be mad at me! Mordecai, DON'T DIE MAD AT ME!
(Mordecai turns away)
Mordecai: Too. late...
(Modecai falls to the floor unconscious. Rigby kneels down and touches Mordecai's face.)
Rigby: Mordecai? Mordecai? (Stops touching Mordecai's face) Oh, no! Oh, no! I can fix this! I can fix this! (Walks away and puts Mordecai's legs on his shoulders and drags Mordecai away.) Don't worry, Mordecai! I'm gonna take care of us. You'll see. (Montage goes to Rigby looking for the hot dogs in tall boxes. He doesn't find them and picks up Mordecai's ankles and walks off. Next scene goes to Rigby carrying Mordecai by his neck, and then we see Mordecai's body being pushed off by Rigby. Next scene shows Rigby looking tired and weak, and holding Mordecai by his chest.) How am I doing? Ah, Mordecai? Am I doing all right? (Rigby gently moves Mordecai's head like a puppet and pretends that Mordecai is speaking.) 'Yeah, Rigby, you're doing good!' (Drops Mordecai's body and stumbles on a box with hot dogs.) Hot dogs! I've been looking all over for you!
Hot dog: Please, frozen stranger! Can you free us?
Rigby: Yeah, I can free you. But you gonna have to do something for me. Here's what you gotta do...
(Mordecai is still unconscious, and he dreams about Margaret and him on a island. She is wearing a seashell bikini top and a grass skirt)
Margaret: Hey, Mordecai!
(Mordecai has a muscular body)
Mordecai: Margaret! You look stunning!
Margaret: Spin with me!
Mordecai and Margaret: Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Margaret: Oh, Mordecai!
Mordecai: Oh, Margaret!
(A giant Rigby rises up from the sand.)
Rigby: Mordecai! (In a deep manly voice) I'M GONNA FIX IT!
(Mordecai wakes up.)
Mordecai: (groaning) Rigby?
(Mordecai sees the leader hotdog shaking hands with Rigby.)
Rigby: Oh, hey, you're awake! (goes to Mordecai and helps him sit up by putting his hands on his shoulders) Mordecai, Mordecai, I told you I can fix it! (The hotdogs are by Mordecai's legs) While you were dead, I found those talking hot dogs and they gonna help us.
Mordecai: (Weakly) What?
Rigby: They said they know the way out!
Hot dog: It's true. We can guide you out of the meat locker. But only if you will agree to take us to a barbecue where we can be eaten!
Mordecai: What?! You WANT to be eaten?
Hot dog: Yes! It is our destiny to be eaten!
Mordecai: Dude, this is weird. Benson's gonna know these are not the hot dogs he bought. Look at them!
Rigby: No! He won't know! Just trust me! I promise, it'll work out!
Hot dog: Do we have a deal?
(Rigby shakes hot dog's hand.)
Hot dog: It's a deal!
(All hot dogs cheer. A portable cooler appears from the floor. Its cover opens and Rigby peeps in there.)
Rigby: Dude, this is the way out!
(The same cooler appears at the barbecue place.)
Rigby: Dude, they are not here yet! We still have time!
(Rigby, Mordecai and hot dogs come out from the cooler.)
Benson: Man, I can't wait for those hot dogs!
Mordecai: Here they come. This'd better work.
Rigby: It'll work! Just relax!
Benson: Hey, hey!
Rigby: Hey, Benson, I've got the hot dogs right here. I didn't grill 'em, just like you said.
Benson: Oh, boy, this is gonna be the best barbecue ever!
Hot dog: (Jumps up) NOW!
Mordecai: What the...
Benson: What the heck are those...
(Hot dogs attack everyone.)
Rigby: This wasn't a part of a deal!
(Hot dogs force Benson, Pops, Skips and Mordecai into a plastic bag with red oil.)
Rigby: Wait!
Hot dog: Ha-ha-ha! You fell for our trap! Brilliantly! We don't want to be eaten, we want to eat YOU!
Rigby: But what about the prophecy?
Hot dog: There is no prophecy! This is simply revenge! For all our fallen brother and sister hot dogs massacred by the hand of your barbecue! And now, you'll join your friends awaiting a similar fate!
(Mordecai, Benson, Skips, and Pops are trapped in a giant plastic bag of steaming hot red oil.)
Benson: Help, Rigby!
Pops: Bad show.
Skips: Help!
Mordecai: Help!
Rigby: No! What are you doing to them?
Hot dog: Marinating them, of course! Bag the last one!
(Rigby tries to escape by throwing barbecue stuff at the hot dogs.)
Rigby: Stand back, man! Stand back!
(Rigby runs out of stuff to protect himself with. But when he accidently squirts mustard at the hot dogs, they surprisingly start to eat each other.)
Hot dogs: Awhhh! This stuff's delicious!
(Rigby realizes what to do. He squirts mustard at every hot dog. Hot dogs slay each other. Benson, Pops, Skips, and Mordecai manage to get out of the bag.)
Benson: What the heck was that? What did you do?!
Mordecai: Yeah, Rigby. What did you do?
Rigby: Ah, I... Ahhhh... Oh! (He notices an empty plastic package of Super Extra Premium Hot Dogs.)
Rigby: Don't look at me! Benson's the one who went and bought the crazy Super Premium psycho Hot Dogs!
Skips: Oh, yeah! He's right!
Pops: I indeed remember now.
Mordecai: Yeah, he's right!
Rigby: Yeah, this wouldn't've happened if you'd just bought regular hot dogs!
Skips: That's for sure!
Pops: That is true!
Benson: No, but... I don't know what happened...
Rigby: Well, I guess the barbecue is ruined now thanks to Benson!
Pops: No!
Skips: What?
Benson: No, no, no, no! I can fix it! (Gives Rigby $20.) Quick! Go and buy some hot dogs from the store and make sure they're regular! I'm sorry, guys! Minor setback.
Skips: I hope the overnight shipping was worth it!
Mordecai: Dude, that was awesome!
Rigby: I told you I'd fix it!
Mordecai: I knew that you would.
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