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Iliza Shlesinger
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War Paint
when you like some one and you want to impress them what do you do? you lie... you have to, because if people knew how weird you were in your off time no one would have you. A Guy asks you 'What do you like to do in your off time?' you can be honest! you cant be honest about that shit. you cant be honest about what you were doing 10 minuets before you came to the door. you have to lie. what do you like to do for fun ? you cant tell him. you cant be like ' I really like choreographing naked cheer-leading routines to old Brittney spears CD's then i Google a bunch of henti porn, masturbate, don't wash my hands, Facebook stalk my ex-boyfriend and his ex-girlfriends jot down there place of employment for future reference, then i go bake some cookies and then i go mouth kiss mt dog and tell her that someday i'll marry her' you cant say that! 9 times out of 10 a gu! y will ask a girl what she like to do for fun the girls answer will be... Hiking i love hiking don't i? i do i love hiking i do, hiking's.. i love it. i do i love i t i love hiking! NO you don't stop lying! you know what! really Stacy! You like hiking? where are your trail spikes where are your walking sticks? wares your lesbian mountain partner?!? you don't like hiking!
you don't even know what hiking is! most modern girls don't know what hiking is! Okay? to the average girl hiking is you wake up, when ever you want to. put on Lu lemon yoga pants because they make you butt look Unreasonably good, as it should for 800 fucking dollars! and you go for a walk in the park with your best friend and complain about how hungover you are. that's hiking. Yeah i do it too! i promos you this girls! if you can drink a Starbucks and eat a pita wile doing it its not a sport!
Do you want a piece of pita mmmim hiking
but there's a method to our madness, there's a reason woman say hiking. we say hiking, because we think guys like hiking. that why we say it! wanna be out side Ware the bugs are. NO! we think you like that! were taught to believe men are outdoorsy and rugged and they like nature as far as were concerned, your the closest thing we know to a bear... so we say hiking hoping to have something in common with you! we honestly say hiking hoping you'll be like ' you like hiking? i like hiking! Marry me!' it the easiest thing you can say you do! its the only out door activity you can say you do, Having never done before, and still pull it off! because it walking! you cant pull that off then you shouldn't be mating with any one. most out door activity's require a decent amount of skill for example, you cant say you like rock climbing, if you've never been rock climbing i mean you can, but i promos you this. your going to go. your going to slip, your going to get your hand caught in a! rock 127 hours later..
Holds up stub hand
stumps not getting you a 2nd date promos you that... i don't know if woman want to hear this but 60% of the activity's women engage in,revolve around getting a guys attention, okay? and its just the way were built biologically this is just something we do, we Love to have your attention, its part of the sport of it alright?
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you think i go to a sports bare because i like warm beer and sticky bar stools! no i do it because there's guys there!
you think i do a pub crawl every year 'cause i like it when my liver hurts? No i go cause there's guys there!
we don't Ware heels for our circulation! we do it to prop up our butts so that you'll look at me and wanna mate with me!
This isn't a fucking game alright? This isn't a push-up bra! its Body armour! This isn't make up its warpaint!
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