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Straight No Chaser
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Nutcracker
Hooray it's Christmas time
But there's one lousy tradition
There's a certain show that you will see
That is all and many would agree
It is time to find another show to substitute for the Nutcracker
I'm watching the game but something's wrong
Staring is my wife her face looks long
I know that look, it must be me
It's not our anniversary
I shrug, no clue
What did I do?
She stands in disbelief
What?
This holiday scene brings no laughter
Forced going to see the Nutcracker
I try to block it from my mind
Think fast, what reason can I find
Got work to do, I'll fake the flu
No chance, I'm done, I'm screwed
I've seen the Nutcracker 20 times
Sure it is fun if you are four
But don't call me a scrooge 'cause it's a bore
The story's dated and that masking thing freaks me out
Well, guess I'm a guy, what can I say?
I'd rather watch football than ballet
I tried my hardest not to groan
And pulled the score up on my phone
As I complained, it's not the same, we're rushing out the door
All holiday shoppers on the road
My holiday spirit might explode
Of course there is no place to park
We're late, the theatres in the dark
In no small feat, we find the seat, the shows about to start
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Here's that song from Tetris
And I know it's the part when I fight not to fall asleep
March the wooden soldiers, bunch of mice
Start the fight, land of sweets, man this stuff's trippy
By the way this story makes no sense
Still don't know what it means after all these years
So confusing, feel like snoozing
Eyes are heavy, as I start to dream
Bolt wide awake, must've fallen asleep
Guess I didn't snore or make a peep
'Cause my wife had no clue I had been out cold
It's the finale coming up
'Cause there is no beer left in my cup
To make it through I'll need another drink
Snuck out to the lobby, oh look I found a TV
I forgot the game was happening
It's down to the wire, time will soon expire
Down by one this kick would win it
Hut hut! The ball snagged – oh no!
The kick's bad, right, right!
No! We lost
No! How could this night get any worse?
Now I'm feeling all depressed
But I still have to act impressed
A pirouette, oh wow that's great
A six year old could do that too
So my team lose at the bar
Now dancing dudes in leotards
Last Nutcracker hopefully
But my wife's thinking differently
She leans in closely, whispers softly
Can't wait for you to take me next year
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